Global warming caused by increased activity in Hell
Global warming caused by increased activity in Hell
By John Breneman
Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming.
A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but rather by increased activity in Hell.
Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis, Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly to Hades.
For example:
-- Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous fiscal year.
-- Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent, due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and greed during the 1980s and 90s.
-- Underworld space constraints have caused a construction boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.
The Helsinki report also cited charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization of the oil-rich Middle East.
Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."
"This is just another example of the Devil being used as a scapegoat for man's innate tendency toward stupidity and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.
Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.
"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch -- call him what you will -- has been around for thousands of years perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense."
The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained, because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington, D.C.
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